“Ugh, I can’t believe I did that. I’m so dumb.”
If you’ve ever said something like that to yourself, you were probably feeling shame. And if you’ve ever wondered how to deal with shame — or whether it ever really goes away — you’re asking exactly the right question.
Shame is something we all experience. Sometimes it passes quickly, like an unpleasant thought that moves through. Other times it stays, creeping into our minds until it distorts how we see ourselves and how we believe others see us.
The good news is that there are real, evidence-based ways to work through it.
What Is Shame and Where Does It Come From?
Shame comes from a perception that our actions are deficient in light of certain standards — and then we extend that perception to ourselves as a whole.
In other words, it’s not just “I did something bad.” It’s “I am bad.”
That distinction matters. Guilt says “I made a mistake.” Shame says “I am a mistake.” And shame, unlike guilt, tends to make us want to hide rather than repair.
According to Psychology Today, shame is one of the most powerful and painful human emotions — and one of the least talked about.
How Shame Shows Up in Real Life
Shame doesn’t always look the way you’d expect. It rarely announces itself clearly.
Instead it shows up as:
- Withdrawing from people you care about
- Snapping or becoming defensive when you feel criticized
- People-pleasing and approval-seeking behavior
- Harsh inner self-talk that you’d never use with a friend
- A quiet but persistent feeling that you’re “too much” or “not enough”
One psychologist found that shame can be so overwhelming that people unconsciously pass it on — evoking shame in others to escape their own. This is part of why shame, left unaddressed, can quietly damage relationships over time.
Why Shame Is So Hard to Deal With
At the core of most shame responses is a fight-or-flight instinct — an urge to separate from others, hide what we’re feeling, and protect ourselves from further pain.
The problem is that these defenses — withdrawal, aggression, secrecy — tend to deepen shame rather than relieve it. Isolation is where shame thrives.
Learning how to deal with shame means interrupting that cycle before it pulls you further inward.
How to Deal With Shame: Shame Resilience
Researcher and author Brené Brown spent years studying shame and found something counterintuitive: the antidote to shame is not self-improvement. It’s empathy and connection.
Her framework, called Shame Resilience, offers a path forward that doesn’t require you to be perfect — just willing to be honest.
Here’s what it involves:
Name it. Shame loses power when you identify it. Simply saying “I’m feeling shame right now” creates a small but meaningful distance between you and the feeling.
Talk to yourself with kindness. Shame feeds on negative self-talk and secrecy. Speaking to yourself the way you’d speak to someone you love is one of the most effective ways to interrupt the shame cycle.
Share it with someone you trust. Vulnerability is the opposite of shame. When you share what you’re feeling with a safe person, shame has nowhere left to hide.
Practice self-compassion. Self-esteem and identity work in therapy often focuses on building the inner safety that makes shame resilience possible over time.
When Shame Runs Deeper
Sometimes shame isn’t just a passing feeling — it’s a pattern that shapes how you move through the world.
If shame is affecting your relationships, your work, or how you feel about yourself on a daily basis, therapy can help. This is especially true for people who grew up in environments where shame was used as a form of control or discipline.
Therapy offers a space to understand where your shame came from, challenge the beliefs it created, and build a more compassionate relationship with yourself. Many people — including men who may have been taught that vulnerability is weakness — find that working through shame is one of the most freeing things they’ve ever done.
You Don’t Have to Carry This Alone
Learning how to deal with shame is not about eliminating it entirely. It’s about building the resilience to face it without letting it define you.
If you’re ready to explore this work with support, our therapists are here.
You can schedule an appointment using our online scheduler or by emailing us at appointments@lincolnparktherapygroup.com.
Nicolle Osequeda, LMFT, is the founder of Lincoln Park Therapy Group, specializing in anxiety, depression, and relationship counseling in Chicago. As a Certified Daring Way™ Facilitator, she incorporates Dr. Brené Brown’s research into her therapy. Nicolle holds a Master’s in Counseling Psychology from the University of San Francisco and is a Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist in Illinois and California. She is a Clinical Fellow of AAMFT, a member of IAMFT, and the Financial Therapy Association. Nicolle has Gottman Method training and has taught at DePaul University, dedicated to helping individuals and couples achieve meaningful change. 
